We'd like you, if you could, to think back to Christmas 2012. You'd eaten a plate heaped with turkey and vegetables, opened all your presents, watched the Queen's speech and were sleepily watching the Downton Abbey Christmas special, nibbling on stack of cheese and crackers as you did so.
Only it wasn't a very jolly experience, was it? Because Julian Fellowes, dastardly devil that he is, gave us what we always wanted - a happy ever after for Lady Mary and Lord Matthew Crawley. He gave it to us. They had a baby son, delivered safely, and were overwhelmingly happy.
And then Lord Matthew was horribly killed in the last few minutes of the episode and we all ended up choking on our tears and a particularly hard piece of cheddar.
NOT SO THIS YEAR, DOWNTON FANS!
That's right, executive producer Liz Trubridge has stepped up to reassure us that nobody is dying this Christmas. Nobody. Not the Dowager Countess, not lovely little Anna Bates, not even evil valet Green.
Phew!
"I am sorry about last year," Liz said to TV & Satellite, "but what do you do when you have a treasured character who wants to leave? But we won’t do that this time!"
We don't know; send him away on a business trip to America, maybe? Whatever. it's fine, we're over it now (almost). What else can we expect from Downton this December?
"It is packed full of story and it is without question the biggest episode we have ever done. It is the most spectacular [ever].
Well, that's nice. It's nice when everyone stays together at Crimbo, isn't it?
We'd like to think we'll see either a) Mrs Patmore using a major electrical appliance, b) Rose marrying Jack Ross, c) Bates delivering some festive vengeance upon Anna's rapist or d) Lady Mary hanging out with the pigs again.
Failing that, we'll settle for Carson and Mrs Hughes finally succumbing to all that sexual tension and getting jiggy with it.
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