It’s an odd time for telly at the moment. Shows usually guaranteed
when it comes to ratings are shedding viewers, tried and tested formulas
have lost their way, and all safe bets are off.
Chances are that at this very moment a roomful of TV execs somewhere are having a crisis meeting, desperately trying to work out what to do.
No matter who or where they are, or what programme they’re panicking about, I can resolve their issue.
Whatever the problem, there is only one solution.
Whatever the question, only one answer.
Naomi Campbell.
By the first ad break in episode one of Sky Living’s The Face (her model search show that’s in no way similar to Next Top Model) she’d proved she’s the greatest reality show judge of all time. She makes Cowell at his peak look like Kelly Brook the day she got sacked from Britain’s Got Talent.
By this point we’re all well aware that other judges are exaggerating everything and playing up to the cameras. Naomi’s toning it down for them. For her it’s not an act, or schtick, it’s a way of life.
We’ve been reading about her behaviour for years, and now here she is, exactly as billed. She exceeds her reputation. I’m more frightened of her than the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Child Catcher and Bob from Twin Peaks put together.
The other two sappy mentors, Erin O’Connor and Caroline Winberg, must be getting danger money, because they’re in direct competition with Naomi. When I say she had threatened their lives by episode three, I am being literally literal.
“If you send one of my girls home, I will kill you,” she promised, “All hell is gonna break loose. I won’t even blink. If someone comes for me, hell yes, I’m coming back for them.”
When Naomi’s not happy – i.e. when Naomi’s team don’t win the challenges – she throws huge strops, stomping around, slamming doors and making the set shake. She holds nothing in. She’s part wild animal, part toddler.
She’s mean, but it never seems like bullying because she’s an equal opportunities insulter who is mean to everyone. She could turn on anyone at any moment, even the crew don’t get too close while they’re filming her.
When you’ve dedicated your life to something, obviously you become accomplished – and Naomi has mastered the off-the-cuff slap down.
“It’s none of your business what you think!” she raged at one of her girls. “I have a career. You guys don’t.” After one particularly brutal verbal dismemberment of her team, they lost yet again.
“I really thought that I put the fear of god into them,” she mused, “But obviously I wasn’t strong enough. So now I have no other choice but to really give it to them.”
God help them. And also, hurry up the next episode.
have lost their way, and all safe bets are off.
Chances are that at this very moment a roomful of TV execs somewhere are having a crisis meeting, desperately trying to work out what to do.
No matter who or where they are, or what programme they’re panicking about, I can resolve their issue.
Whatever the problem, there is only one solution.
Whatever the question, only one answer.
Naomi Campbell.
By the first ad break in episode one of Sky Living’s The Face (her model search show that’s in no way similar to Next Top Model) she’d proved she’s the greatest reality show judge of all time. She makes Cowell at his peak look like Kelly Brook the day she got sacked from Britain’s Got Talent.
By this point we’re all well aware that other judges are exaggerating everything and playing up to the cameras. Naomi’s toning it down for them. For her it’s not an act, or schtick, it’s a way of life.
We’ve been reading about her behaviour for years, and now here she is, exactly as billed. She exceeds her reputation. I’m more frightened of her than the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Child Catcher and Bob from Twin Peaks put together.
The other two sappy mentors, Erin O’Connor and Caroline Winberg, must be getting danger money, because they’re in direct competition with Naomi. When I say she had threatened their lives by episode three, I am being literally literal.
“If you send one of my girls home, I will kill you,” she promised, “All hell is gonna break loose. I won’t even blink. If someone comes for me, hell yes, I’m coming back for them.”
When Naomi’s not happy – i.e. when Naomi’s team don’t win the challenges – she throws huge strops, stomping around, slamming doors and making the set shake. She holds nothing in. She’s part wild animal, part toddler.
She’s mean, but it never seems like bullying because she’s an equal opportunities insulter who is mean to everyone. She could turn on anyone at any moment, even the crew don’t get too close while they’re filming her.
When you’ve dedicated your life to something, obviously you become accomplished – and Naomi has mastered the off-the-cuff slap down.
“It’s none of your business what you think!” she raged at one of her girls. “I have a career. You guys don’t.” After one particularly brutal verbal dismemberment of her team, they lost yet again.
“I really thought that I put the fear of god into them,” she mused, “But obviously I wasn’t strong enough. So now I have no other choice but to really give it to them.”
God help them. And also, hurry up the next episode.
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